Understanding
Grief:
And helping those
experiencing it
By Mike Jentes © 2001; revised December 2002
P. O. Box 8188
614.291.8251
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Introduction
Two young children were trying to know how to
cope with the death of their grandma. In
the midst of the turmoil, the parents were trying to know how to care for their
children. On the day of the funeral the
whole family stood in front of the casket.
Many preparations had been made with the children. Knowing they would be curious, the parents
instructed them that they could touch her hands if they wanted, but grandma’s
skin would be cold. The children’s
mother was transported to another time when her mom cared for skinned knees,
dinner preparations and broken hearts.
Interrupting the memories, the four year old whispered, “Is she
breathing?” The parents hadn’t
anticipated this question. It certainly
required more that a simple “No.” This
business of explaining death became very difficult. Finally the mother said, “Well. . .” and
nothing more would come. The oldest
child then turned from his study of the casket and faced his sibling, “No,
she’s not breathing. Remember? The breathin’ part’s in heaven.”[1]
This is a beautiful illustration of 1
Thessalonians 4:13, Brothers, we do not want you . . . to grieve like the
rest of men, who have no hope. The
oldest child grasped the truth of hope.
As Christians, we do not grieve like others. Notice the Scripture does not say “do not
grieve.” Grieving is an important
healing function which needs to be walked through. But, grief is not a single point of passage,
it is a process which takes months and even years. Unfortunately, grief does not begin with a
horrible phone call and end with the conclusion of a funeral. Grief extends much longer that this. The process of grief is important to
understand. The following information is
an attempt to help one understand grief and how to minister to those who are
grieving.
Why
deal with grief?
Because
it is prevalent and inevitable. Grieving
people are everywhere. One may contend,
“Not everyone is carrying a box of tissues.”
But the reality is that when one calculates the “little grief’s”--such
as the loss of a coworker or loss of physical health--along with the “big
grief’s” of divorce and dying, it does not seem like many people are left
out. And what about the inevitability of
grief? Even the Scripture guarantees
loss, “. . . man is destined to die once. . .” (Hebrews 9:27). Barring the rapture,[2]
our loved ones will die. Billy Graham
writes grief is a certainty, and goes further by saying, “When death separates
us from someone we love there is a time when we think no one has suffered as we
have. But grief is universal.”[3] Westberg concludes, “we can say that grief is
as natural to every person as breathing.
It is inevitable! You cannot live
without experiencing it in a thousand different ways.”[4]
Definition of Grief
With this outlook in mind, how should grief be
defined? Defining grief is not an easy
task. We often think of grief as the
response to the earlier mentioned “big griefs,” like death or divorce. When one begins to include the “little
griefs” of life, grief needs to be reduced to its lowest common denominator for
a definition. In this authors
estimation, the simplest definition is that grief is the response to a loss. Others have amplified this. For example, Gary Collins states, “grief is
the normal response to the loss of any significant person, object or
opportunity.”[5] The loss could be anything: retirement,
amputation, the departure of a child to college, departure of a pastor to
another church, moving from a friendly neighborhood (or watching a good
neighbor move), selling one’s car, losing a home or valued possession, the
death of a pet or plant, loss of a contest or athletic game, health failures,[6]
and the list could go on and on.
Stages of Grief
When considering the prevalence and
inevitability of grief, the next question should be--what does grief look like
in real life? The answer is that grief
is a journey. It is the difficult process
of moving from the hurt and pain of loss to the point of readjustment. Many have studied this process and noted
there are ten stages in which those who grieve pass through. “The ten stages of grief must be understood
to be the normal process through which most people must go as they face
up to their loss. In other words, we shall
be talking about the road the majority of humans must travel in order to get
back into the mainstream of life.”[7]
This doesn’t mean that all of these stages are
sequential. Sometimes people evidence
stages out of “order.” Each individual
deals with loss differently, so don’t hold these stages as a template for
everyone to follow. These are given as
guidelines. The following list will
briefly touch on the main aspects of each stage. [8]
1.
Shock and Denial
This stage--almost better called “counter-shock”--
may last from a few minutes to a few hours to a few days. It is a temporary anesthetizing of the
situation. This stage is a temporary
escape from reality, and as long as it remains temporary, it is good. A lengthy shock period is often called denial. Extended denial is normally unhealthy.
2.
Emotional release
The emotional release comes at about the time it
begins to dawn on us how dreadful this loss is.
Sometimes without warning, the well of emotion pours itself out almost
uncontrollably. That is perfectly O.K.
and normal in this stage.
3.
Depression and Loneliness
Eventually there comes a feeling of utter
depression and isolation. During these
days, the person is sure that he/she is the only one who has ever felt that
way. It is as if God is no longer in
heaven and He doesn’t even care. Often,
this stages brings out thoughts like the one previously stated, which have
never been thought before. The key is
to remember that one day it will pass.
The cloud is heavy and thick, but this too, shall pass.
4.
Pain and Physical Symptoms
There seems to be an intense relationship
between illness and the way a person handles a great loss. Although it may never occur to the person
grieving, the physical pain and physiological changes the person is sensing are
associated to dealing with the loss.
5.
Panic
One typically finds himself being panicky
because he can think of nothing but the loss.
This often shows itself through an inability to concentrate. Sometimes people will increase their panic because
they believe what they are experiencing is abnormal, when in reality it is very
normal.
6.
Guilt
There are obviously two kinds of guilt. One is a normal, healthy level of conviction
for doing something or not doing something that was expected. There is a false guilt which runs out of
proportion to the involvement of a person in the situation. It is important to face both kinds of guilt
in this stage. Both will be present, but
continued work will surface the false guilt for what it truly is--false.
7.
Anger
Gradually moving out of the depression allows
one to express anger and resentment that was previously buried or hidden. This is not to justify anyone for mishandling
anger, but merely a warning that anger works its way to the surface. When we have something precious taken away
from us we inevitably go through a stage when we are very critical of everyone
and everything connected to the loss.
8.
Resisting Returning
Although things are being dealt with well, a
sticking point comes when something inside us resists returning to normal. The sense is that everyone has forgotten and
someone has to keep the memory alive.
The question grievers ask is “How can things possibly go back to
normal?”
9.
Healing and Hope
Every once in awhile a ray of light will break
through. This could be just a few months
or many months after the loss. A notion
of healing and hope begin to appear. Life
can go on and I can step back onto the spinning world.
10.
Readjustment
The final step is affirming reality. It is not “returning to one’s old self.” The grief process brings about significant
change in one’s life. Reality is not the
same as it was prior to the loss, but it is real today. The changes that occur in the grief process
can make one stronger or make one weaker.
Common Expressions of Grief
The following table[9]
lists some common expressions of those going through the process of
grieving. These are not mandatory
statements nor are they typically in such a precise order. They are merely listed to give one an idea or
an example of what to expect in dealing with a grieving person in a particular
stage.
|
Common
Expressions Throughout the Grief Journey |
||
|
1. |
Shock
and Denial |
“I
just don’t believe it” |
|
2. |
Emotional
release |
“I can’t
stop crying” |
|
3. |
Depression and Loneliness |
“Without ________ I might as well be dead” |
|
4. |
Pain and Physical Symptoms |
“I just can’t bear it” |
|
5. |
Panic |
“What
am I going to do?” |
|
6. |
Guilt |
“I
should have done more for _______” |
|
7. |
Anger |
“Oh,
God. . . why me?” |
|
8. |
Resisting
Returning |
“Will
life ever be worth living again?” |
|
9. |
Healing |
“I
now realize the meaning of friends” |
|
10. |
Readjustment |
“Knowing I’m adjusting to life again would
please __________” |